Control Freak

I woke up with a knot in my stomach today.  The knot has migrated to the top of my head and morphed from a gnawing queasiness into a pulsing headache.  So...would I call this progress?  I'm not sure.  What I would call it is anxiety and my body manifesting the emotions that I am trying so hard to suppress.

I am, by both nature and nurture, a Control Freak.  I am an Oldest Child.  I am in the demographic majority.  I am an introvert.  I am an Alaskan.  I have administrative and strategic giftings.  I am an ISTJ and a 1 on the Enneagram.  Each and every one of those components have control issues.  Roll them into one person and you have someone who bristles when life is not proceeding as planned.

I have plans.  I have back-up plans.  I have back-up plans to my back-up plans.  I change lanes 4 stoplights early in order to make sure everything goes smoothly on daily commutes.  I love graphs, charts and spreadsheets.  Oh, how I love spreadsheets.  One of the things that makes me a pretty good manager is that I usually know how people will respond when I ask a question or throw out a new idea.  When plans do not work I can usually respond calmly because I have thought through scenarios.

Now I find myself here.  I have completed my employment at Morning Star.  I have submitted applications for a few different positions around Fairbanks.  And now I am waiting.  The earliest that I would hear about interviews would be early next week.  I can run through scenarios in my head, but there is nowhere near enough information to be able to figure out what our lives will look like in one month.

All of my buttons are being pushed.  Everything in me is demanding that I find something to control so that I have a sense of power and agency in my life.  I am doing a lot of dishes and raking the leaves off our yard.  I am checking job sites multiple times per day.  I want to eat everything that I see and play every video game known to man.

I know this is me being driven by Fear.  Recognizing it and naming it provides some relief to the physical pressure that I feel, but it still remains.  Here is the question that this all boils down to:  Will God take care of my family and I?  This will not be the final time that I ask this question.  Is He big enough?  Does He care enough?  Is He trust-worthy?

The answer has been "Yes" in the past.  It is probably "Yes" now.  I know this...and yet I need to know it more.  I don't have a plan or a back-up plan except to trust that God will take care of me.  He's provided the exact right job 3 different times in the past 7 years...He will probably do it again.  My invitation is to listen for His call and respond when it comes.  Until that happens, I will do dishes and rake leaves and write posts and devotionals and play with the kids...and try not to drive my wife crazy.